My review of OMGYES, the website trying to close the orgasm gap

So I bought OMGYES and here’s my review of it.

What is OMGYES?

Here’s the intro video:

OMGYES.com intro from FGS on Vimeo.

Basically, OMGYES is aimed at closing the orgasm gap.

According to the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior (NSSHB), the last time they had sexytimes, 91% of men surveyed had an orgasm but only 64% of women did.

The idea is stupid-simple. Ask a bunch of women what feels good to them, find the patterns, then teach other women how to do those moves.

Co-founders Lydia Daniller and Rob Perkins had a research team interview 1,000 women about how they like to be touched and then commissioned Kinsey Institute researcher Dr. Debby Herbenick and Dr. Brian Dodge at Indiana University to conduct a nationally representative survey of another 1,000 women. This qualitative and quantitative research forms the basis of their recommended techniques.

It’s like you’re handed a map when you are born and told there’s treasure somewhere but you have to find it. OMGYES has colored in the paths that most other women have successfully used to find the treasure. Learning where the paths that tend to work are located just seems like such an obvious win.

Why did I buy OMGYES?

It appealed to me for three reasons: The research, the tech, the results. First, I’m generally interested in academic quantitative research on human sexuality. And I also feel that female sexual pleasure is a woefully understudied topic. So I’m happy to support this research endeavor. Second, the teaching method involves interactive videos with haptic feedback. I’m curious to try that out. Third, I’m not very good at masturbating. Or directing my lovers on how to touch me, other than to constantly say “lighter.” I find most of my own touches (and others’ touches too, tbh) kind of terrible!

Not knowing is frustrating and trying new things is frustrating so I have my method that involves pressing myself onto the bed and I rarely deviate from that. I love sex. And I think it’s normal for the thing that gets you off to be mostly mental. But I wish it weren’t so difficult for me and my partners to get me off with our hands and their mouths. I suspect that if I knew what was mostly likely to feel good and wasted less time on stimulation that doesn’t, playing around with my vagina would be more fun and less frustrating.

Thoughts on OMGYES

It’s got a very easy and intuitive checkout process.

The interface is modern and attractive. Although I would have preferred it be more clear where I am supposed to start.

screen-shot-2016-10-23-at-4-04-40-pm

Once you click on a video, there are helpful hints about how to use the page and what is what.

screen-shot-2016-10-23-at-4-07-22-pm

I’m not exactly completely unread about sexuality, so I didn’t expect to learn a ton. For example, I’d heard of the “edging” technique to create stronger orgasms. But I found I learned things that not only did I not know about women’s orgasms, but things I found totally unintuitive, such as the specific fact that edging led to longer, more intense orgasms for 65.5% of women studied. More generally, I had no ideally that there are three main edging techniques, and for most women just one of them does the trick.

The edging instructional video had the woman in the screenshot totally naked, touching her inner labia, and explaining what she’s doing. Which was jarring at first, to be honest. I’ve never seen a woman masturbating outside of porn (well, IRL a few times).

zoey

One thing that’s cool about the videos is the little things that you realize are normal. Like, I find that touching myself the way that I loved one time will do nothing for me the next, which is hella frustrating but also made me feel weird. But hearing Amber talk about sometimes having to find the sensitive spot on her vulva because it moves made me feel normal and like, “We’re in this together!”

The road test

So I took some of what I learned in the “teasing” module and tried it out IRL. That consisted of getting high and watching the Mindy Project, and then pausing when Dr. Jody Kimball-Kinney appeared on screen in a thin white tee. (Don’t judge me.) After teasing myself to orgasm, my lovely partner offered to help me try out some techniques.

It was awesome. It’s not so much that trying the technique is breaking new ground. It isn’t. It’s that I felt confident in directing him to use the technique. I was confident that it would work (2,000 women!) and confident that it was a normal thing to ask for. And, perhaps most importantly, confident to insist that it go on long enough to really work. According to OMGYES, teasing usually doesn’t work until you’ve done it a bunch of times. Truth be told, I wish there had been more teasing before the awesome sex we ended up having. And I felt confident enough to tell my partner that later that night.

This is kind of a breakthrough for me. I often get bored and anxious during the part of foreplay that’s focused on my pleasure, and end up cutting it early and switching to giving a blow job or something else I know my partner likes in order to keep things moving and keep my mind engaged. This is a mistake. It teaches my partners that I don’t want much head/touching/etc. when the truth is that I do want it. In fact I really need it. Just not like that. And it robs us of the opportunity to work together to find out what gets me out of my head and turned on.

Who it’s for

If you also find yourself bored and anxious during foreplay, this is a good investment. It’s really nice to hear other women say, in essence, “Immediate, rough, dry fingerbanging isn’t foreplay.” And, “Going straight for the most sensitive area of my body and pressing hard on it after 2 minutes of kissing not only does not arouse me but actually feels horrible.” And, “Do not think that you are good at sex if you can’t move your tongue and/or mouth in the exact same way for five minutes straight.”

I had a pretty good grip on what didn’t feel good before OMGYES. But I didn’t know what to insist on trying, and what to insist on continuing. Most partners, if they tease me, do it for about 30 seconds before trying to put some part of their body inside mine. That’s not enough, not only for me, but for most women, according to the research. Maybe it shouldn’t, but it really helps me demand more to have other women backing me up, saying that the fact that it’s not working is because you need to do it longer. Which is somewhat counterintuitive.

I’d say, based on my experience, that every single man who has sex with women should buy OMGYES. Like, now. Y’all are not teasing enough, not consistent enough, not any of these things enough. None of you are.

I’d be curious about other women’s thoughts on why they would, or wouldn’t, be open to trying OMGYES. Let me know in the comments.

215 Comments

    • Matt

      As a gay man who has literally no skin in this game, I just want to tell you that I am proud of you for investing in understanding female sexuality and pleasure. May you always pair this knowledge with respect and good communication. Good luck!

  1. Rebecca

    I’m curious how well the haptic feedback on the tutorials are. Did you try those out? Do they work on a typical touch screen?

    The whole site looks like an incredible resource for women. Great review.

  2. Alexandra

    Just subscribed to OMGYes.
    Hope I will learn a lot 😉
    Maybe I will share the access with my man… if I dare 😉

  3. Jessie

    I also recently signed up for OMGYES and I’m quite in love with it! I feel like it really affirmed to me what I had to learn in my own life – that having an orgasm is a learned behaviour and technique! Since males are expected to masturbate younger and more frequently than females, the behaviour is far more accepted for them and they learn what it takes to get themselves off. Female masturbation is still far more taboo, so women 1) don’t do it and 2) don’t talk about it. This means we’re less likely to either expect an orgasm or even know what it’ll take to get us there.
    I think OMGYES’ focus on female sexuality and pleasure made me more confident to tell my partner what I like. It’s the first time I’ve felt truly comfortable giving directions and asking for what I want – and my partner seems thrilled with the results (as am I, obviously). I highly, highly recommend this site to men and women alike!

    • Louise

      I might say that I totally agree with you on the point to share with men. In my personal experience I had the chance to accounter a man for whom to please a woman was the secret. I found out that he has speed a lot of his hobby time to acknowledge himself about the subject for him at first and obviously towards women. He had to search a lot during his prime youth, simply because it wasn’t has open. like any studies well driven and being kind and self-confident. This person had showed me such a beautifully way of kinkiness, openness and depth. Opening an other level of quite pure energy by the simplicity of 2 bodies, who can listen to each other. Well tuned nothing beat that. Yes, acknowledgement for both part is healing and mostly worth it.

      With all the kindness,
      Louise.

  4. Sara

    Do not neglect the fun a solo woman can have under the shower. Place your thumb over the end of the shower tube and direct the flow of water along the edges of your opening (not inside!). With some attention you will find the sweet spots near your clitoris and by focusing on pulling up your vaginal muscles and pushing hard on the balls of your feet, you will discover ecstasy. All by yourself. No waiting, no words, just pure pleasure.

    • V

      Yess! Also! Plus cross my legs and then lean against a counter, it presses in all the right places. Again done this since I was real young and just thought I was a bit of a weirdo.

      • Alana

        Thought I was the only person who did this.. probably from the age of 3?! Mine was on the edge of the couch. Still do it now for a quick release, takes about a minute. Not as intense as one that takes longer though.

        • Julia

          Ever since I was a little girl I’ve been able to orgasm if I stretch my legs right out, cross them and tense them as hard as I can! I never knew what it was till I was older and started having sex but now it hinders me a bit because I find I can often only orgasm that way now! If I’m stressed or need a distraction I can still do it and often do it in public. No touching necessary!

          • Bea

            Ladies, look up syntribation. I’ve been doing this since childhood and closely matches what you’re describing. Last year I went on a web rabbit hole trying to explain to Google what got me off and syntribation explained it perfectly.

  5. Sarah

    Thank you for your review! I will definitely try since my only technique resemble to yours “pressing on the bed” and I never found another girl that did the same! 😀

    • Kelly

      Same!! My husband told me it was weird, so I literally googled it to feel less weird about it.

      Still haven’t gotten the guts to buy the subscription, but I’ve been considering it for some time. It’s amazing how hard it is to get over that conditioning and socialization.

    • Frankie

      Oh my god same! The corner of my bed I should my go to and I’ve always felt like such a weirdo! I’m not alone wooo!

    • Hanna

      I do that too…I put my hands against my vulva and sort of grind against them while lying on my tumny – without actually touching my clitoris. I always wear underwear. Can’t do it naked. I never heard of anyone else doing it like that.

        • Jewel

          Haha. I was thinking of Natalie Portman in Black Swan as I was reading this thread, as it was in that movie that I leaned over and said to husband, “see, told you. She lies on her stomach.”

        • Claire

          Yay! I need to see black swan!! Been doing that since I was like, seven (not knowing why back then. Thought it was a way of massaging my stomach…)

      • I

        Omg I used to do that when I was a kid, before I even knew what masturbation was! I just thought it felt good, I even did it with one of my friends at a sleep over (we were like 11-13 years old) and didn’t realize what it was until the memory came back to me a couple years ago and I was slightly mortified haha.

        • Elizabeth

          I had my first orgasm role-playing Beastmaster with my next door neighbor. He had “caught” us and trapped us on the swingset, hanging from the top with our legs gripping the rings. It was supposed to be precarious, but I felt this gigantic rush and intense pleasure and had no idea what it was. For a bit, I would replicate those circumstances, but the backyard in broad daylight was not the best location, so I leaned a walking stick up against my bedroom door and sort of held onto it with my legs wrapped around it. That type of set up, basically holding onto something while exerting direct pressure on my clit, was the only way I could come for the next 3 decades (save one crazy orgasm with a partner which shocked the hell out of me until I realized later that i was on top and rubbing against his pubic bone). I then was able to come from oral with my partner at about 40, and then a year ago at 45 bought a suction vibrator and Holy S***. The orgasms are different, though, so sometimes I like the old way and sometimes the new way. I did some reading (Bonk by Mary Roach!) and exploring and realized that orgasms for me are all about direct clitoral pressure or stimulation. Statistically, most women do not come through penetrative sex alone. It just is. I am still not comfortable talking about the “old way” but it is great to hear the other creative ways we have found. Thank you everyone for sharing your stories. It really helps to hear them and realize it isn’t just you.

      • Janice

        for all the women humping out there.. this was the only way for me, until I found out about ‘traumatic masturbatory syndrom’/TMS. Humping makes your clit numb. The pleasure you get from the pressure of humping is then very difficult to simulate by hands or oral. I quit humping for about a month until I was very sexually charged and then slowly started fingering and exploring and this led me to my first orgasm by fingering (!). Hope this will make it easier for my partner to pleasure me. Good luck for all you out there !

        • Rose Patel

          I feel like there’s a chance TMS is a residual effort by Freudian types to police female masturbation.

          Like wouldn’t it be convenient if women finding pleasure on their own terms was ‘dangerous’ and reduced the likelihood of them achieving the ‘mature’ orgasm accomplished through penetrative sex. It’s just that there’s a huge history of stuff like that being proliferated over time, and yes we all have the potential to get off lots of different ways but it’s unlikely that one of those ways would seriously damage the chance of another one working.

          In saying that I’m a big believer in just doing what works and damn the consequences so to each their own.

    • kiko

      To all of you who do this, has this tecnique made it dificult for you to orgasm with your partner or is it just me?, I read that its because of how i masturbate…

      • Ingrid

        It’s pretty hard for me to orgasm any other way. I’ve tried lots of different things. Sometimes they work sometimes not. On my stomach is they only way that I know works every time for me.

    • Ariana

      Haha I love these comments! I learned to masturbate like this as a little girl, but later on kind of disciplined myself on doing it ‘the normal way’ because I felt like I wasn’t doing it the way I was supposed to (at the age of 11… unbelievable when I think about it, that I was already that aware of how I ‘should’ handle my sexuality, when I was still a child).
      So now I’m an adult, I do it both ways and both ways are pleasurable… But the ‘grinding’ thing is still something I’ve almost always kept quiet about…

    • Hanneke

      I watched “Black Swan” (yes, the ballerina film) with my boyfriend. He has had quite his share of women, is open minded and the best lover I’ve had in forever.
      We watched the scene where the main character masturbates under the blanket, laying on her tummy pressing her pelvis to her hand…
      He said is looked weird.
      I explained to him all women masturbate like that.
      He literally had no idea this was common. I told him it was basically the only way I could climax if I did it myself and that the only reason for women to do it laying on their backs with their legs wide open… was to make it look interesting to spectators. Porn… but also “putting up a show” for our partners.
      Sure. It feels nice. And we CAN climax that way… but once there’s no one else there… Most of us will turn over to get the job done.

      Almost every woman does it like that… and the ones that don’t usually get frustrated because they don’t climax… and therefore think there’s something wrong with them.

      Sad really.

      • JD

        Wait, what? I’ve never done this and am extremely in touch with my sexuality. Assuming that Only the women who masturbate like you do have satisfying sexual lives is why products like this need to exist.

      • Daisy ?

        ALL women do not masturbate this way. I haven’t. Ever. I can’t even quite figure out how you all are doing it tbh. Haha

  6. Karo

    I subscribed maybe half a year ago. “Y’all are not teasing enough, not consistent enough, not any of these things enough. None of you are.” sums it up pretty nicely. My man came in when I was on the site, I told him what its about and shared my password. Apparently he has checked out some of the decribed techniques. Although he takes good care of my pleasure during sex (not least because forplay gives me orgasms where the actual intercourse doesn’t, so i have never settled for less 😉 he definitely had new tricks up his sleeve. Nobody can ever know too much about female pleasure, I’d say.

  7. I’m glad you’ve reviewed this! I’ve been thinking about purchasing for a while now, but wasn’t sure what I would get out of it. Great job!

  8. Anna

    I never sign up for, you know, pretty much any sites. But I’m extremely intrigued. I’ve never been good at masturbating myself and there isn’t really a course for that, nor is there an easy answer you can get from you friends. I hope I’ll be able to just explore at my own pace and finally feel like I know my body!

  9. Taylor

    I got OMGYES because I suck at masturbating and I cannot for the life of me orgasm. I have come closer with partners but i haven’t had a partner long enough to figure it out. I wish there was a bit more focus and feedback from women who were unable to orgasm for a long time and then figured it out. But it is interested to see and hear about what feels good to other women to then compare it to myself and realize that I appear to be ”normal” in some ways. This review was actually super great because it seems like the author’s problem is being too in her head which is definitely my problem. Would be nice to hear about women’s techniques to get out of their heads. Weed is the only thing that kind of works but it doesn’t get me there while masturbating.

    • Alison Scott

      I hope you get OMG and learn to have orgasms. It’s incredibly empowering to give yourself an orgasm that will rock your socks. Good luck

    • Heddy

      Clitoral stim PLUS penetration was what helped me… but it takes a while. I read that women with smaller clits have a harder time coming. Knowing my partner is enjoying the time it takes to get me there is key. I start to visualize abstract patterns, pretty much involuntarily….

      • Leeloo

        Totally the same for me. I’ve always seen abstract patterns and they’re so different among them. I can even say that’s one of the things I enjoy the most, the visual part. I’ve never heard of someone else with these visualizations 🙂

    • Charlotte

      I’ve had the same problem. Until I was 18 years old, I had never had an orgasm and I thought that I was unable to have one. Then, after a lot of practice, my then boyfriend and I figured out what worked. We broke up almost three years ago though, and nobody else has ever been able to give me an orgasm again. Including myself. I do have a small clitoris, so that might be part of the issue, but I think for me the real problem is getting out of my head, like you. I think I need to be with someone I love, who loves me, to be able to completely relax and clear my head. Like Heddy said, I also need to know that my partner is enjoying trying to get me there, or I’ll worry that he’ll want to stop soon the entire time. I also need clitoral stimulation and penetration at the same time to even get close. Another issue is that I put a lot of pressure on myself to orgasm, whether I’m masturbating or with a partner, so whenever I get close, I feel like I “HAVE to orgasm RIGHT NOW”, so I tense up and it goes away. Anyway, this is why I’m on the fence about purchasing OMGYES. I feel like all of the information about female orgasms is about how to have better, longer or more frequent orgasms, but what about women who never have an orgasm at all?

      • cathyreisenwitz

        I totally get how “Here’s how to orgasm” advice feels like more pressure to perform. I think OMGYes is good in that it teaches you things that are likely to feel good. And they feel good whether you orgasm or not.

    • Anon

      I clicked on this randomly from facebook, and am fighting back tears to hear the description the author had of her own cluttered minds pace during foreplay, and many of the other women in the comments who, like me, are bad at masturbating and some of whom (like me) have never had an orgasm.

      • Anon

        I had the same problem. Buy yourself a nice smooth vibrator, put in on your clit – you will orgasm within a minute. Then buy OMG and learn all the empowering things to ask from a partner – but first, just get yourself that first incredible immediate orgasm. You will never forget it! 🙂

    • Christina

      I feel the exact same way Taylor. I’m almost 30 and still have never had an orgasm (and certainly not for lack of trying). I’m starting to think I’m incapable of orgasming…maybe I’ll try this too before I completely write it off though.

        • Kat

          So I’m not the only one…. I’m 32, never had an orgasm. Tried almost everything, alone and with partner, in a loving relationship and with a hot affair, nothing ever happened..
          Same as Christina: maybe I’ll try omgyes before writing it off for good… 🙁

        • Ame

          It’s kind of like chasing an incredibly slippery fish around in a shallow pond, Molly. Sometimes it’s easy to grab, sometimes not – even for those women who have them regularly. But it’s definitely possible, even for you. Maybe the headspace of having completely given up and not even giving a s**t could even work for you… you just never know.

        • Liz

          I didn’t have one until I was 41. And that was after 14 years of with the same guy. I had one on my own, finally. I still can’t have one with a partner because I am.stuck in my head, and I still need a vibrator and porn,but I can have one! Every body can, sometimes it does take some work.

        • Emily

          Took me until 25 and a LOT of angst, shame, and anxiety along the way. KEEP FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT! And don’t be afraid to spend money on an awesome vibrator and watch porn and stick with it even when you think you’re getting nowhere. The first orgasm is a like a roadmap–now you know where you have to go to get there.

      • Anon

        I wasn’t able to orgasm until a friend bought me a vibrator as a present.
        It took some experimentation with that to realise that I can and do orgasm with this type of stimulation. The next thing is to work backwards from that, using OMGYES to learn how to do it without any assistance.
        I’m still working on it, but getting closer and closer.

        • Gabi

          As a Married Lesbian who “converted” her wife and had general experience with straight women while being single, I can say ladies in general are VERY underserved when it comes to good sex. I don’t know what straight guys are doing (or, I suspect, AREN’T doing), but I can assure y’all the bar is REALLY low. I’ve made my wife orgasm 5 times on our very first night (her first time with a woman) and she was in awe. I recommend all women to try having sex with another women, at least once. It doesn’t necessarily means you will marry and commit to a woman long term, but I assure you it can help you get to know what good sex is and even discover yourself/what you like in bed. By pleasing another woman, you can easily find out how an orgasm works in yourself and get a sense of what feels/doesn’t feel good. Don’t appeal to the male fantasy of a threesome – have it be only you two ladies, remove the pressure element of the “must please the dick at all cost”. Many women can’t orgasm because they are rushing it, out of fear of disappointing/limping their man. An orgasm relies 100% on your mind so RELAX. Find someone experienced ideally, do it slowly. Women are soft and sexy as HELL and we taste amazing – it’s like having a foodgasm but better. My wife can’t recommend it enough 😉 already 8 years together and she decided to get married to a woman after all…

    • Shannon

      I’ve always been fairly sexual, but didn’t have my first orgasm until I was 23. Happened completely on accident when I was playing around with a vibrating object (not a vibrator). I had it angled in my panties so that it was held firmly against me, more in the area of my urethra I think. I then curled my legs up to my chest like the fetal position and it hit me before I knew what was happening. For awhile I was unable to replicate it. Due to the meds I was on, I could only get physically horny a couple times a month. Then I started having orgasms in my sleep. I too, have a small clit. You can’t even see it if you pull back the hood. Like described in the article my “spot” would move each time, though a couple years later I pretty well know how to rub my clit to get the job done. Penetration did nothing for me initially but dull the experience. I had to watch very specific porn or read erotic fics to get me to the stage of orgasm, and I still do. In the beginning I found it helpful to imagine my vagina expanding, or tenting. If my clit gets too wet and slippery, I feel nothing. Now, I am able to penetrate with my vibrating object (a nicely shaped electric razor) while rubbing my clit. It’s all about build up. I first get myself going with a video/story and rubbing, edge myself however I long I feel like, position the razor in my panties so it’s at my entrance and slips in the more aroused I get, edge some more, but I don’t turn on the vibrations and start moving it until right before I’m ready to orgasm. The most intense I’ve ever felt it. I can only feel my inner g-spot right before orgasm too. Sorry if that was all a bit much, but for the longest time I thought I was broken too. I still am unable to anywhere close to climax with a guy, but to be fair I haven’t met one to keep around yet (since being able to climax).

      • Elis

        Thanks for this. Not too much, I feel like there will be plenty of women that need to read stuff like this, myself included. I have had an orgasm once, and haven’t been able to replicate it since. I’ve been practising getting out of my head and into my body more over the last few months. It helps me to get the pressure of trying to orgasm, but just enjoying the fact that I’m now at least enjoying touching myself. I’m 27 and I’ll get there. And then there’ll be plenty of time to enjoy all of it once I get the hang of it 😉 This mindset helps me to take the pressure off myself. Pressure on yourself = bad for enjoying/orgasm 😛

      • Kim

        Reading what you wrote makes me feel less crazy, thank you for sharing that. I’ve been feeling so inadequate all this time and frustrated at the lack of outcomes during sex with men, baby steps I guess.

      • What medication were you on? I also don’t get “in the mood” as often anymore after switching to Effexor. It takes longer for me to get turned on, too, which makes me feel bad:(

        • T

          I’ve taken Effexor and it KILLED my sex drive entirely! The whole time I was on it, and almost a year after stopping it. I was never in the mood and couldn’t get wet and nothing felt great, just okay.

    • Erica

      You need to clear your mind of everything. Kind of like meditating… I can’t have the TV on or even music. I want to be able to focus on sex or masterbating. I also go to my favorite fantasies and play them out in my head. My eyes stay closed most of the time (it seems to help me focus on just enjoying the pleasure). I think the concept of this website is great and could be helpful for a lot of women

    • LeeLu

      For me, being inside my head is what gets me to orgasm. If I had to rely on stimulation alone, I’d rarely get there!

      While rubbing against the bed, or using my fingers on my clit, I think about what turns me on (it varies with my mood—sometimes it’s a rape fantasy, sometimes it’s a guy masturbating, sometimes it’s two people mutually enjoying each other). To climax, I often think the words ‘yes!’ over and over, or ‘I love you’, or ‘you like that, bitch?’ depending on my mood and fantasy.

      If you can’t get out of your head, the best thing you can do is direct your thoughts to help you get where you really want to go!

    • r

      Omg, weed is the best! Always get a mind blowing orgasm when I’m high.
      Either masturbating – literally, mind blown – or from penetration alone.
      Although I guess you can never really say ‘alone’ because sex is a whole experience with hands and bodies and noises and breath in your ear and all that but I meant with no direct clit stimulation.

    • M

      Ok I could never do it too for a really long time but here’s a couple of pieces of advice! My first breakthrough was buying a rampant rabbit vibrator! If you’re not comfortable going into a store you can get them online in discreet packaging. Then, I rarely ever used the actual dick part to penetrate myself and instead just used the vibrating “ears” on my clit. You have to be careful as they can be too intense but with practise I found what worked for me and then it worked every single time!!! I did however then feel I had to wean myself off this a bit to learn to do it without the aid of the rabbit, and it’s been sort of hit n miss. I persevered and found with time I could do it with my fingers but the intensity was never as good. However, then I tried out using lube and now that’s all I do – lube and your fingers and I can get the same intensity using just my fingers around my clit. It’s annoying to have to always use some sort of aid but they really do work for me, and might be worthy a try if you’re always in your head. Even just to break free of the negative thoughts of “I can’t orgasm”

  10. Loreena

    Great review! My husband got this site for me and at first I got defensive. But I got over that pretty quick when I saw the articles about it. It’s been awesome for our marriage – we try one new section of the site together every weekend instead of a netflix night and it’s been wonderful for us. My one complaint is it’s SO MUCH content that they drop on you all at once without a guide of how to go through it. I definitely recommend it to all my friends but just wish there were some kind of ‘start here’ section or something.

  11. Toyfee

    Whenever I see research on female sexuality I want to know whether the women studied were using hormonal birth control. Sex was okay when I was using it for 10+ years, orgasms consistent but (as I know now) nothing special, but I had almost zero libido – could totally take it or leave it. Had no desire to masturbate. Now in my 40s with no hormones, all done with pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, etc. sex is A-may-zing. Awesome orgasms nearly every time (and pretty good ones the rest of the time), don’t even need foreplay most of the time, and masturbation is fun, quick and easy. I would try OMGYES if I wanted to crack the mystery of oral sex which has never done it for me, but since I think my hubby is happy about that, I don’t think I’ll bother. Happy for the women this helps though!

    • Mike

      Let me get this right. You would deny yourself even more sexual fulfillment because your hubby doesn’t like to give head? This is how you guys end up here in the first place. There is nothing wrong with making your gratification a priority and any guy who doesn’t support that is the wrong guy for you. My advice to him is get over it bud. He needs to realize the better time you have in bed, the better time he’ll have in bed. Everybody wins.

      • Shannon

        Oral doesn’t do anything for me either, and I would never ask my partner to do it for me. I don’t blame her husband for not liking it. I know I couldn’t do it. It’s taken me awhile to even get used to precum without swallowing back vomit. A vulva full of bodily juices? Just can’t. And I couldn’t ask someone to do what I would be unwilling to do myself. Why try to make someone do something they don’t want to do? They possibly wouldn’t have the motivation to go the extra mile needed. I personally don’t like giving head, and even hearing/feeling how much the guy likes it doesn’t stop my jaw from hurting and just wanting to move on to other things. I make up for it in other ways anyway.

  12. mirjam heijn

    “Y’all are not teasing enough, not consistent enough, not any of these things enough. None of you are.”

    You could only know that if you slept with all of us.

    I’m sure material such as this can be good training wheels for new lovers, or those who are inexperienced. Just remember that lovemaking is an art and that everything in art can start to bore after a while. Continuing communication, creativity and courage are essential for having an ever improving love life.

  13. Megan

    I’m in my 40s and never had an orgasm. I also loved the idea of helping pay for more research. And I’ve finally fallen in love with a fabulous guy who I can talk to about anything. I guess I’m a late bloomer! Lol! So I bought this, and we looked at a bunch of them together. It was great! We haven’t had a chance to try them all out yet, but I’m starting to try some out on my own, which I never really did before, so it is already making a huge difference. I always felt like I was doing it “wrong” even on my own. I shared the website on my Facebook page, and a guy friend at work told me yesterday that he and his wife got it, even though this isn’t necessarily an issue for them. But they both liked the idea of contributing to more research, and said they had a great time trying out new techniques. This site is amazing, for so many reasons.

  14. Rosie

    I only heard about this site recently and am very tempted. I’m in my early 30s and have never had a male partner and only experimented with one woman. I find it difficult to orgasm as i lose concentration and as mentioned before, what works one time doesn’t later on. I really would like to know how i work better. I go through phases of having a very active sex drive and then none at all.

    Nice to here that the shower head and pressing on the bed have worked for other people too. I hadn’t heard about anyone else doing those before.

    • Shiara

      It’s good for learning about what works for you, and doesn’t matter if you’re learning solo or for/with a partner.

      It helps to normalise female genitalia (no airbrushing here!), and make you feel more comfortable about touching yourself “down there”. There is a good cross-section of ladies with different body types, different sexual orientations, varying ages, etc., all sharing – in detail – what turns them on and what gives them a great, big O. And then they SHOW how they do it. They also have some advice on avoiding things that can kill the build-up.

      If you want to learn how to give head, guide a partner, or just make your solo sexy fun times even more intense, it’s worth checking out.

  15. Sarah

    I feel like i masturbate in a really weird way. I put my fingers on either side of my labia and sort of rub it back and forth? My clit is trapped between them and gets rubbed as well. I worry that it damages or desensitizes my clit and thins my labia. I’ve tried occasional penetration with hair brushes and handles and nothing ever felt good. I’d love to feel that rush I’ve heard about from penetration but it just doesn’t happen. Am i weird? Am i damaging myself? This is like the first time I’ve ever asked these questions and I’m 24. I’m worried that I’ll get married and won’t feel anything from my husband.

    • cathyreisenwitz

      You are definitely not damaging yourself or weird. Lots of women don’t particularly care about penetration, especially by inanimate objects! Most women prefer their penetration to involve clit stim at the same time, something you can do during sex using toys, your hands, or the right position. You have nothing to worry about.

    • Erin

      I use the same method! It will not damage anything, and it’s less direct so you definitely don’t have to worry about desensitizing. As long as your husband is willing to find out what feels good to you , and take the time to do it ,I agree with Cathy.

    • Emily

      Check google images for a medical diagram of the clitoris, it’s actually much bigger than people think. Makes so much sense for that style of stimulation!

    • Layla

      It’s perfectly normal, more women prefer to masturbate using their clit than by penetration. I love penetration personally, but I always couple it with clit stimulation. Also, rubbing that way shouldn’t desensitize or damage you at all

    • Rose Patel

      Alot of rumours about female masturbation having a negative effect on penetrative sex, or clitoral stimulation somehow being a less acceptable way to orgasm stems from early theories from when sex theory was based around the idea that women weren’t even their own gender but were more like half formed men who needed penises inside of them to feel whole because there penis was missing. It’s really messed up but the fact is it makes no sense and masturbation is good for women despite all of the urban myths. Its good for your immune system and your circulation and the easier it is to orgasm alone the more likely you are to orgasm with a partner.

      • Olivia

        Totally agree with above. I put off having sex until 20, and spent like 16-20 masturbating and dry humping boyfriends and then from 20 on have always had orgasms during penetrative sex. By the time I had sex, I knew what I liked. Transferring this knowledge effectively to my husband, however, has been challenging. He seems to do something right one time and totally wrong the next. So Imma get this for him!

  16. Caitlin

    This is a great resource. I’ve only just started talking about masturbation with my girlfriends in my mid to late 20s and there needs to be more of that.
    I think this would be a good gift for a younger girls to get to know themselves before they are sharing themselves with others. That way they have confidence, know what they want and what works as well as seeing that it is normal amongst all women.

  17. Mindy

    Wow this is pretty neat. It’s nice to know penetration doesn’t do it for more than just me….I always felt broken and kind of like a loser, and of course guys don’t like it when you say their dick just isn’t doing anything for you LOL

  18. Jessy

    Damn girl, you’re speaking my language. I’ve had partners inadvertently make me feel bad, guilty even, for not getting “there” on penetration alone – they don’t believe me when I said I enjoyed it – so this is a huge relief to read. It’s so normal. Thanks for the review and enjoy your further research 😉 I’ll be checking out the site.

  19. S

    I’ve explored masturbation a lot and can have really good orgasms from it. I can also orgasm from sex when I touch myself as well. I would like to not have to touch myself during sex to orgasm, but its very rare that a partner can make me come from touching me or going down on me. do you think this website would still be worth looking at for me?

    • cathyreisenwitz

      I think it’s worth it if you’re willing to let your partner watch it or are willing to teach your partner what you learn from it.

  20. Anonymous

    This website is AMAZING! I previewed it and showed it to my boyfriend, who naturally became curious and bought it for both of us to explore. Basically, it is the BEST investment we have made toward our sex life, and it personally makes me feel so happy that my partner (and myself!) is more informed and educated about it. When you think about it, you’re paying a small amount to achieve a lifetime of good sex. It’s the best bargain out there!!

  21. Alex

    What’s this “pressing on the bed” technique? I’ve only ever masturbated with my fingers or with a vibrator (clit stim only… penetration doesn’t do a thing). Interested to try something else! 🙂

  22. Sarah

    Never too late to learn to have an orgasm. I enjoyed sex from age 17 on ( I am now in my 50’s) but never had an orgasm even after years of oral and vaginal sex . Reading erotica helped because if my mind is not engaged it starts to wander, and it turns out I need total focus in order to get aroused enough to come. I always felt a little sad and knew I was missing out, and felt wistfully envious when I heard how great other women’s orgasms were. I had always thought orgasm would just “happen” to me one day – still hoped that it would- and didn’t realize that for me, orgasming had to be learned and worked at. Thanks to a partner who gave me some sex toys and a collection of erotic literature (watching porn doesn’t do too much for me except maybe subliminally, as a warm up) I now have orgasms many times per week, usually while masturbating alone ( my partner lives far away so we don’t get to spend much time together, but when we do it’s all the more special) It can take me an hour or so to work up to coming from a cold start. Other times if my mind is engaged or stimulated by some random mood or thought, it can take only 10 or 15 minutes. I ‘m just glad that I now know how to make it happen. I had to be mentally ready and want it to happen ( I had years of being pretty asexual in a stressed out, tired marriage with little motivation to have sex) Sorry to ramble on but mainly these few points: we are all different! You gotta find what works for you, and realize this may change. Be OK with yourself wherever you are. When you are ready to take the plunge you can find your bliss. Toys are awesome, but if the mind is not fully engaged, forget it. Have fun everybody! It’s never too late. Or, as the 104 year old lady said to the interviewer who asked her at what age one stopped enjoying sex, “I don’t know. You’ll have to ask somebody older.”

  23. K

    I fucking love it when women can talk about this shit and not feel judged or get shut down for being ‘too sexual’ – keep sharing your ways and words of wisdom gals!

  24. Elaine Sutherland

    The problem, my dears, is men. They get hard-ons and are raring to go way before we are. A multitude of women’s problems are solved by having sex with other women.
    Try it. You’ll like it.

    • joanne

      Does anyone spontaneously orgasm on trains or buses? or sitting in a chair ? it even happened to me while sitting having breakfast with my son!! it usually occurs when i haven’t had an orgasm for a month or so, like build up of sexual energy; i can feel a throbbing, tingling and all i have to do is squeeze a little and it comes… my girlfriend thinks I’m a total wierdo. Am I?

      • A

        I sometimes have it when I’m sitting in an exam under time pressure. When my legs are crossed and I squeeze a bit it starts to build up and I come.. I always thought I was totally weird as none of my friends had heard about it before. However, the exams went good 😉

        • soph

          Oh my goodness I always thought I was absolutely weird for experiencing this and even googling it left me with nothing! Whenever I’m panicking in an exam because of time pressure it happens to me! Thank you for making me feel less alone!!

        • Maggie

          Wow, never thought I’d read this! I did the same at school. Worked great for relieving the pressure. And yes, the exam results were very good, too. 🙂

  25. joanne

    does anyone spontaneously orgasm on trains or buses? or sitting in a chair ? it even happened to me while sitting having breakfast with my son!! it usually occurs when i haven’t had an orgasm for a month or so, like build up of sexual energy; i can feel a throbbing, tingling and all i have to do is squeeze a little and it comes… my girlfriend thinks I’m a total freak. Am I?

  26. Sorella

    I don’t have spontaneous orgasms — you lucky girl! But I do get dream orgasms when I haven’t had (solo) sex for a while and tension builds up. I spontaneously dream of something that works for me and, voila. My dream orgasms are very polite, too, they always wake me up so I’ll remember it 🙂

  27. Ale

    “Y’all are not teasing enough, not consistent enough, not any of these things enough. None of you are.”
    You said it perfectly.

  28. CJ

    I was considering this site after seeing a few ads and hearing Emma Watson liked it… now I’m sold! Going to buy it today! Awesome review, thanks!!

  29. Have to say I’m very curious…. quite an eye opening review and comments below. Thank you for such an honest test run though- it must be working for 2000 + to be involved and all these other women who.are trying it out can’t be wrong!

  30. Morrell

    I bought OMGyes after seeing a FB ad and reading a couple of reviews. I’m 65, single and not much interested in old dudes (after trying a few). I always sucked at masturbation (the rare times I tried it), but I used to have multiple body-rush orgasms in my 20s and 40s. I’ve only spent a bit of time watching the videos and only tried it out once. I’m already better at avoiding over-sensitizing my clit (a huge problem) and last night I had a sex dream with orgasm from clit stim and then penetration.

    I have extensive vulvar atrophy and a clit that was buried from lichen sclerosus. These techniques prove that LS does not mean the end of sexual pleasure. SO grateful!

  31. Sasha

    It is so liberating to read other girls’ struggles navigating the world of orgasms. It seems though my story is different. I am great at masturbation, I am the pro, I am so good at pleasuring myself that I often wonder why have sex with others. This takes toll on my relationships because I get bored with monotonous sex that is mainly geared at pleasuring my partner (be it a man or a woman (yes, even with women I struggle to enjoy being pleasured)). So I go from partner to partner chasing ever evading pleasure. But then, if you tell the man you are not enjoying – he gets upset, if you fake you get upset at your perceived inadequacy.

    I have not signed up yet, but I definitely will to support the research.

  32. Alyona

    I came across OMGyes via Facebook yesterday. It was one of those rare occasions when something useful actually comes out of half-bored scrolling through the news feed. I am absolutely addicted to this web-site now!

    As a bisexual female who spent most of her life sleeping with men, I am interested in exploring the intricacies of female sexuality now. And I think this is a wonderful way of helping anyone to navigate through it.

    Sadly, when I mentioned this site to some of my male friends, they have laughed it off as a waste of their time. And I think they did so at their own peril. As the author of this article correctly pointed out, anyone who wants to understand their female partner and be a better lover should subscribe to this site.

  33. Kris

    I subscribed to omgyes after watching the first video which showed me how to masterbate without a vibrator. Thank you!! <3

  34. Claire

    I *think* I orgasm during sex and masturbating, not all the time, but reasonably regularly (I too use the rubbing on the bed technique, although I get a pillow or rolled up duvet involved) but have always been a bit crap at it.

    My problem is everyone used to say “when you have an orgasm you’ll just *know*”, it’s supposed to feel amazing right? Well mine just kinda feel, well, nice. The best way I think I can describe it is when people talk about “waves crashing” my waves just kind of roll through. It’s perfectly pleasant, but not amazing! I really want to experience this mind-blowing feeling other people seem to get, and worry that what I think is an orgasm isn’t really at all. I feel like I might have got close to a ‘different’ feeling a couple of times, but can’t seem to tip over the edge (I immediately start thinking ooh is this it?! and the pressure makes it go away, and/or I just get frustrated).

    Anyone else have this problem??? Am hoping trying some new techniques from this site might get me there?? Trouble is, when horny it’s very easy to revert back to the ‘usual’, especially when trying something else doesn’t seem to work for ages! (my masturbation is usually quite quick when I bother!)

    • Jen

      I masturbate in the same way that you describe and I feel that timing is involved which makes it better sometimes and not as powerful, but still pleasant, at other times. It is like hitting a baseball– you can connect with the ball but depending on the angle and momentum it could be a ground ball or a home run. You say “quite quick when I bother” so I think, do it more often, take your time, just hang out with yourself and feel good.

    • Alex

      I know it’s 2020 and all and you’ll probably never read this but you are describing my life. It is EXACTLY the same for me. I always thought I was weird and almost have given up on haven a “real” orgasm. I might try out this site. Has anything worked for you in the mean time?

      • Jasmin

        2020 here too! I used to have that problem, where I would work so hard to get to orgasm and then in just felt “meh”. Luckily I already knew what a great orgasm should feel like. My best orgasms have always come from edging. Maybe try that?

        Side note, my fastest orgasms are when I’m dry. Idk if that’s normal or not, but I cant orgasm while masturbating if I’m wet and slippery. So I’m either doing it over my panties, or I leave my panties on and put my hand under. The fabric of the panties rubs me as well as my hand and it help me cum most of the time. Oh and I do it on my back with my legs straight out, flexed.

  35. Donna

    It’s so amazing, inspiring, and down-right hot to read all of these comments proving that a) it’s never too late to learn new things about your pleasure b) there is no normal! What a relief. I lost my virginity at 30, and before then I’d had a few sexual partners and lots of solo orgasms, but the shame surrounding my own perceived lack of experience really held me back. I found it really hard to talk about to friends, and even feared disclosing my secret by mistake or being found out! I decided to that I just had to put this shame and fear behind me, and gradually I’ve been learning more about sex as I go… once I started having more sex I got more and more horny on my own and started pleasing myself a LOT more. Recently I’ve even discovered new positions and very intense ways of making myself cum – if you have the place to yourself, vocalising your pleasure is really excellent addition! I am therefore very excited about what this website can teach me, and what I can teach my future partners. I recently had to give very clear instructions to a new lover, which resulted in longest orgasm I’ve ever had! It’s beautiful to read different women’s experience of sexuality from all ages, and so empowering for me who is still a little sad about the sex I feel I missed out on in my twenties. Now I am so excited about my late thirties and forties and on and on. Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts and techniques, and keep doing the things that you enjoy xx

  36. r

    I started masturbating pretty early (15) and feel like a bit of a freak or nympho or something because my friends all found that kind of thing disgusting and made jokes about it so I could never own up to actually doing it. Which makes me mad because all my male friends were and could all talk openly about it. I started watching porn to get myself there, which I felt (and still feel) ashamed of, though in the same way my male friends were doing it without any shame.
    It did mean I learnt to make myself orgasm in my teens though which was good, though at first I didn’t see what the fuss was about to be honest. I definitely got myself to a climax, but it wasn’t the kind of toe curling, screaming moment that you see in movies. So I was a bit disappointed that’s all it was. However the better I got, the better it felt. It took ages for it to the point where I could be turned on and reliably make myself come, and feel that release from a good orgasm.
    It wasn’t until the past 6 months though with my current partner that I actually started to have orgasms through sex or even being stimulated by someone else. I worried I’d gotten so good at pleasing myself that nobody else would be able to. I don’t know what it is about it, maybe it’s having a more emotional connection (first person I’ve been really in love with) but also feeling safe to be open with him about sex. I ask him anything and he asks me anything, he’s open about his masturbation and I am open about mine and he’s totally into it. With him I feel I can ask for what I want and he’s enthusiastic about helping, asks if positions are doing it for me, etc. I also feel that connection helps us to orgasm at the same time, which helps me come because i get so absorbed in what is happening we kind of feed off eachother. Definitely mindfulness is important, in sex or masturbation, you need to just not think about anything else and be totally lost in how it feels or (in my experience) it’s hard to actually orgasm…
    This is just my experience. Definitely agree it is a learned skill/technique and takes time and concentration

  37. LZ

    Do you guys have any forms or videos helping to counteract hypersexuality and guiding being in the moment while having sex? I survived a very long time of incest and it caused me to be incredibly promiscuous but also it caused my body to be almost electrified when it came to sex. I was having sex either as a conqueror and for validation or for someone to be in the bed beside me. I was almost never present, always dissociated. And the sex itself was always like this weird mission to just get it over with but at the same time to show him how good I was. Most men that I have been with have commented on how incredibly easy it is to get me to orgasm. On my own, I can get myself to climax, and squirt, within 60 seconds using the right vibrator. With a partner I can cum with him just intensely playing with my nipples and I can also have about four G-spot orgasms during one sex session that does not even really last that long. Trust me, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Especially when you are not present or with the guy that you even want to be with. So what I was hoping was that you had some sort of tutorial or coaching on why I could be a sex addict (?) with a trauma background. I want to learn how to be in control of my body and slow my libido down. there is a lot of room between zero and 60. I don’t always want to orgasm two minutes into foreplay. And also, I want to learn how to be in the present when I’m with somebody and be aware of who they are and even more so, take my right back to say no because this is not a chess game. It is an intimate part of my life. I am bisexual if that opens for avenues on the website. I truly believe that being with a woman would help this problem a lot. But I am very scared because although I have dated and fooled around with a lot of women but I have yet to go that far.

    • Mo

      Thank you for sharing so openly. Even though I don’t think I’m qualified to give you any advice, what you just said reminded me of a friend and gave me more perspective on how this may feel to her.

      I related to the bit about not having taken it that far with a woman, especially. I’m in the process of changing that.I also wonder if that will heal a few things for me. Have fun trying it out and exploring, nothing to be scared of – you can speak openly about these things and slowly work your way through it.

      All the best

  38. David

    I got the site some months back, and watched all the videos and read all the articles, then I went onto doing so practise with my beloved, then recently I noticed that there are more techniques available…
    I shared it with her as well and she seemed to like it. Hopefully with time we’ll get the practice each and every technique to find which ones work best.
    Thanks for the review.

  39. Jose

    It’s a site where you see beautiful women showing their vaginas and demonstrating how they like to be touched. Then you get to play with an image of one and hear the woman moaning and say “Yeah! That feeeels goooood.”

    Can someone convince me that this is not a porn site for men?

  40. Layla

    I was 18 when I figured out how to masturbate, despite being very interested and trying before. It was always frustrating, as I’d rub myself over my underwear, get more excited and then…I didn’t know how to take that last step. Then at some point I sent it to hell and used a shower head and blasted my clit (which in retrospect was way too much and kind of painful), and had my first orgasm. Enter several months of daily masturbation until I figure out what I like.
    Nowadays I masturbate on average once a day, either because I’m horny, as stress relief or just because I want to. Keep it up people, don’t give up!

  41. Jacqueline

    I just want to know how to orgasm during intercourse! I can play with myself which is easier then if a partner plays with my clit but some positions it’s not always easy and some guys think it’s weird or don’t understand so I don’t. But I feel like I’m sort of lagging behind men when they don’t get it and think we should come just by penetration alone. I have to teach them and it’s awkward sometimes as if I have a special needs issue. If they are stubborn I just will just end it right there.

    I can get great very long G-spot orgasms doggie style, but usually only after having a cllitoral orgasm.

    The only way I can have a clitoral orgasm with just penetration is to be on top, and with a guy who can last a long time and I’m very close with and I have to be really horny. Or if he’s sitting up like on a couch.

    I’ve had so many people tell me they come during penetration alone, or guys tell me the woman before me never had a problem yet this goes against what the research says so I tend to think they are lying to me or to themselves…not sure.

    So my question is this: I want to know of the women who can have clitoral orgasms through penetration alone, how can I learn? It seems so odd to me, that nature made women bodies to need education and to have to educate men to do something that should be so natural and is so natural for men. Why did nature put our clitoris on the outside I wonder?

  42. Kiki

    I wish I’ve heard of this before. One of the reasons my relationship ended was because of sex. Actually, sex was really good. But foreplay was always frustrating for me because I never knew how to say what feels good. Like she says, I only repeated myself saying “lighter”. In the end I’d always stop my partner because I didn’t want to bother him, because I wasn’t anywhere close to orgasm. I’d give him a blowjob instead and we just proceeded to sex. Not being able to make me cum made him frustrated.

  43. Amanda

    I wasn’t really interested I’m really sensitive to penetration and that’s how I orgasm the most. My partner gives amazing oral and has really figured out what makes me orgasm. But then I kept reading and i realized I hate masterbating it feels like a chore to try to make myself come when my partner feels so much better. Which sucks because I used to love it. I want that same sensation of it being new, exciting and fun again.

    • Jacqueline

      Well you’re one of the lucky ones who can orgasm through penetration alone. Intercourse almost never touches my clitoris unless I’m on top and he doesn’t mind taking a long time and I have to be really in the mood or have lots of foreplay. How do you make it seem so easy or is it that you just prefer G-spot orgasms?

  44. Heather

    For the non-orgasmers – I made it to 35 without having one and then once I’d gotten over the initial hurdle it was a fairly slow process getting more confident to a) even allow myself to want more of them and b) be patient with myself to figure out how to do it and not give up and then c) relax enough to have one with a partner (I thankfully, finally! have a really great partner who loves sex and especially giving me pleasure). Now I have gotten really good at it and am making up for lost time. I have all kinds of truly wild, multiple orgasms that I really never dreamed could happen. So, hang in there. Try to enjoy the journey of getting there, maybe by yourself first. Wish I could hug you all. I love this comments thread. x

    • K

      Heather, thank you, I love this comment! I’m 35 and still never had an orgasm, and have spent years feeling broken and worthless. I’d given up trying for a long time but after reading all these comments I’m feeling hopeful again…. It’s just amazing to hear that other people have had a similar experience (and why don’t we hear about this more often? I always thought I was the only one.) Keep enjoying yourself 🙂

      • S

        Heather and K,
        Thank you. I’m 38 and haven’t had an orgasm. I thought there was something wrong with me. I’m so comforted to know I’m not the only one.
        x
        S

      • Hi ladies! I love this app and as a pelvic floor PT feel very strongly about everyone having a fulfilling orgasmic sex life. Our bodies are so complicated and societal norms prevent us from talking about our struggles! We all run into issues whether it’s not knowing what gives us pleasure, suddenly having new a baby in the house, easily distracted during the moment. There are always tools to work through things and know there are professionals trained to help you learn more about your body, sex therapists and pelvic floor physical therapists specialize in the mechanical and chemical changes that need to occur during sex and can provide you will tools to jump your barriers.

  45. Sofia

    So here’s the thing. I love how openly masturbation is being discussed here and I’ve never been one to by shy about that with partners. However, I’ve never had a very good relationship with my Vulva in that, I don’t find it attractive. I have large inner labia that hang and I just can’t masturbate in front of my partner because I genuinely don’t think my vulva is nice to look at. i’ve had this hang up about my labia for a long time. The only thing that hasn’t made me have the appearance altered (as in, getting work done to improve appearance) is that none of my boyfriends complained ever and have shown that they fully enjoy giving me head and are fully turned on by it. I think this is the ONLY thing holding me back from fully letting go sexually. Wonder if any other women also have this hang up and how they over came it. 🙂

    • Wain H.

      As a man who loves large labia lips, I assure you your selfconsciousness over your lip size is only you. Your beautiful just as you are. The sooner you see yourself as normal and beautiful, the sooner you will enjoy showing those beautiful lips to your lovers….we are all different. There’s no normal just individuals. Anybody that doesn’t see you beautiful as you are isn’t worth your time.

    • Colleen

      For what it’s worth, my ex-girlfriend has labia similar to yours (at least from description) and I’ve always just fondly associated what they feel and look like with her. Labia are as unique to a person as any other part of them, which as far as I’m concerned means that if it’s a person I care about, I’m also fond of each of their parts. There’s a vagina coffee table book out there called “Vagina 101” that could probably help you deal with any “othering” that you might be feeling from what it seems you’re seeing as having a “different” vagina.

    • Barbara

      I know how you feel, I have the simmilar vulva shape. I also have a problem of having BV frequently (which makes me smell bad), but I can still relax if I get turned on enough. I think that we get this perspective that we have look like women from porn, when a lot of them are unnatural and NOT ENJOYING the sex at all. I believe OmgYes helpes because you can see different and normal women and hear what they will say. I’m super excited to try it!!! Try to be aware of the fact that a lot of womens vulva looks like yours and mine and I bet a lot of them and their partners are not even thinking about it.
      Good luck!

    • Cathy

      To Sofia: I’m writing because I really recognized myself in your comment and I know that in this situation, you can think that you’re the only woman in the world with this issue (how often do we compare vaginas…?) and I wanted to let you know that you aren’t. I used to be very self-conscious about my vulva as well, because my labia is large and “hangs”, as you said. I felt very uneasy in front of a new partner for a very long time. Until I realized that I was the only one who cared about it. None of my partners ever mentioned it looking “different” or brought it up. Not a single one. And I realized that it’s because every woman they’d been with looked different down there, in the same way that every penis looks different, and there are no real expectations of what it’s going to look like.
      Also, let’s face it, guys are just pretty thrilled to be having sex with a naked woman to begin with. It’s a very feminine thing to do to immediately go into self-doubt and guilt and self-counsciousness (of course, some men feel that way too, mostly re: performance anxiety, but I suspect it affects predominantly women).
      Body issues are normal. We all have them. But for me, the day I let go was also the day I accepted to trust my partner. To trust that he found me attractive despite (and sometimes because of) the things I dislike most about myself. To trust that if he didn’t find me attractive, he wouldn’t be there.
      As they say in Frozen: Let it gooooo!

    • xxx

      Sofia please learn to love your labia, I stupidly opted for surgery to alter mine due to similar hang ups at a young age and it’s hands down the biggest mistake I have ever made. Appreciate your own beauty and uniqueness and how much of a turn on it has been for your partners. Concentrate on the sensations rather than the appearance and feel blessed to have more to play with!? Your own unique lady flower. We have the tendency to focus on our flaws to a degree where we actually obscure our own appearance in our minds. Trust me what you have there is worth so much more than you believe. Please don’t risk your beautiful foof for scar tissue and discomfort as I did, get on and enjoy sex as you are and were always intended to be! Peace xxx

    • Belinda

      Sofia,

      I have an “outie” vagina and honestly, guys really don’t care. What they do care about is a sexual partner who is thoroughly turned on and wants to have sex with them. As a result, they tend to find few things sexier than a woman touching herself in front of them. Most won’t be able to watch for long without joining in. It’s an empowering experience for sure. I really hope you learn to love your vagina!

    • Joanna

      Hi

      I had this hang up too, watched a recent documentary on BBC about surgery and was considering surgery.

      Then I read an article about ‘pulling’. It’s where young girls are encouraged to pull their inner labia to make it longer, because it will lead to more arousal from partners, and better sex. I was kind of mind blown. I had never considered that longer might be better, and that people were actively trying to achieve this look! This perspective has definitely helped my confidence!

    • Jess

      I think you May be forgetting how ugly penises are. They are wrinkled and floppy like an elephant trunk until erect and then they are just a shiny rod with hairy, wrinkly, dangly balls. But we have learned to love them. Many men really do love your vulva. It’s not ugly, it’s exotic and there’s more to play with. I have a perfect looking vagina, it is neat and tidy and lovely and yet i loved the way my ex gf had long inner lips. It looked like a butterfly.
      Own it. Walk around naked more, take pictures of your vagina and send them to your partner. Look in the mirror at your vulva every day until it feels normal. Your body is beautiful and toy have to force yourself to learn that

      • Gabby

        Jess- perfect is an objective term. Using these kinds of adjectives to describe your “innie” vagina, is one of the reason why women with “outies” feel less than. I’d encourage you to rethink using this type of description!

    • Carris

      Hi Sofia, I’m replying coz I’ve had the same feelings for years and I’ve been married for 26! Since watching porn as a teen I became convinced my large labia were abnormal and unattractive. Like you tho, no one has ever commented or given me reason to think they agree with me and I’m married to a Dr who is well aware of the range of female physical presentations! But how many of us get to see each other’s female parts?!
      I have held back on what feels like more daring sexual antics for the same reasons you mention (and also partly due to, after 26 years, what my partner’s response might be, and yes I’m aware it’ll probably be eager, but still…!) Recently I saw a piece of art – plaster casts of about 20 different female genitalia and it was quite a revelation. They were all soooo different and a number of them were very similar to mine, with long, labia that did not ‘tuck into’ the outer folds. Wow, I’m different but so is everyone else and some people are different like me! I am working up to some intentional sexual behaviour, including sharing these concerns with my husband that is going to change my sex life! How about you?! Xx

    • Leo

      Hi Sofia! Me too also have a big inner labia and even if I don’t think that much about it, I also don’t apreciatte that much this characteristic of my vulva. But, like you, I never heard a bad comment about it from my partners from the past and my partner in present really like it. I had once other nice comment about it from a guy I was having casual sex with that said that he really enjoyed to touch them and kind of squeeze them. At the moment I see it like another part of my body that has a role in my sexuality and my partner helps me with that cause he says that it looks like a beautiful mouth asking to be kissed. Hope that my testify will help you somehow to release yourself from the image that your inner labia is not the way it should be! Enjoy.

    • Alicia

      @Sofia
      Let’s be honest- no one’s genitals are attractive, certainly not testicles or penises either. In and of themselves they’re weird fleshy parts attached in odd ways. But when they can turn on someone we like- that is attractive! So don’t worry about how your parts look. They’re not the prize- you are.

      • Doris

        my thoughts exactly! I‘m bisexual and have had quite a few partners, and none of them looked alike „down there“. And I always get exasperated when men ask – is it big enough? are others‘ bigger? – because I don‘t usually notice nor do I remember. Genitals look WEIRD and wrinkly when observed in cold blood. And in the act no one is interested in what they look like, but only in what they can DO. So let those lovely lips kiss and be kissed ;D

    • Stefani

      Sofia, I definitely had this hang up and from time to time still do! What has helped me move passed it is a) a loving partner that tells me how much they love my vagina and everything related to it and b) porn. I know a lot of people shy away from porn. However, I have found that because I watch lesbian porn just being exposed to all the variations in female genitalia has allowed me to come to the realization that we come in all shapes, sizes, and colours. And you realize that your insecurities about specific “weird” or “unattractive” features are actually present on many other women. I know that is something we get told since grade school but for me I had to truly see it to believe.

      I hope this helps.

    • Seia

      I do as well, And am always self conscious about it. However, I’ve never had a sexual partner (male or female) say anything positive or negative about it. Now, being married, I think I’m the only one who beats myself up over it!

    • Check out ‘The Great Wall of Vagina’ by Jamie McCartney. A lot of the time I think we don’t like the look of our own vulva because we have an idea of how it ‘should’ look. This art work shows a huge range of ‘normal’ – that there is no one (or 10, or even 100) right way for a vulva to look. Perhaps it will help you accept yours. <3

    • Robin

      I’m with you. I have a very full labia, and it wasn’t until my now husband started finding ways to derive his own pleasure from nibbling, sucking, pinching, pulling lightly etc., that I realized it’s a playzone for him! He loves it, and one of my biggest turn ons is when he gently puts a hand on each side and spreads me apart slightly, eventually spreading me apart with his lips and fingers, and then, of course, his penis. It can be a lot of fun for man, trust me, they aren’t picky, and the surgery will delay all this fun you should be having 😉 Good luck!

    • Alix

      Hi Sofia,
      Yep – totally get you there. It sounds like we’ve got similar anatomy and I used to be so shy about getting head to the point that I didn’t ever want it, or full frontal nudity, and I kinda blame porn for giving me this idea that my long inner labia is in any way wrong, ugly, anything. I’ve never had that feedback from a guy (or girl). There’ve been -um- plenty.

      Now I model for live art drawing; it’s not the focus but I’m sure they could see it if they wanted to; and it doesn’t bother me the least in intimate encounters.
      The switch must have been in finding a kink in exhibitionism, and now -if I think about it at all- it almost feels like I’m able to be more intimate; I have more to share down there.
      I still don’t think it’s necessarily “pretty” but I do think it’s Hot. 😉

      Hope that helps x

    • Holly

      I have the exact same thing! I’ve hated my low labia all my life but have never had a male say anything negative. The only negativity I’ve received about it is from other girls/statistics of people wanting to surgically alter theirs. I’m trying to learn to love my labia as it’s a functioning and awesome part of my body.

    • I can understand not thinking your genitals look nice, often the only other ones we see are in porn and they have been surgically altered.
      Once I started having sex with women I realised that they are all different and beautiful and I had other women telling me how lovely mine was, this soon changed my mind about my own body.
      So believe your sexual apartners if they do not find anything wrong with your vulva, they have probably seen many different ones and are happy that they get to see yours.

    • Vulvaluva

      Sofia, I Struggled being very self conscious of my vulva, even from a very young age! As a young adolescent I actually thought that I had made my inner labia hang out by masterbating, and used to hate myself for my sexual urges. Nobody EVER talked about female masturbation, and the only vulvas that I had seen were perfectly simmetrical neat little pink ones in porn, so that’s what I thought they were ‘supposed’ to look like.
      It was a constant source of shame and embarrassment for me. I thought boys would make fun of me for it, and I was so nervous the fist time that I had sex with someone. I HATED guys looking at it when they went down on me, it totally put me off. For years after becoming sexually active and having a few partners (long and short term) I felt like you have described. Until I got a wonderful boyfriend who made me feel very comfortable and at ease with my body, and I just managed to put my insecurities to the side and really enjoy sex for myself, rather than thinking all the time about what I should be doing to make my partner enjoy it and think I’m good at it.
      I am now in a relationship with someone else who I trusted enough to tell my insecurities to. Obviously he thought it was ridiculous and sad that I felt that way and since I have actually told someone, I do to. Every vulva looks different, weird and wonderful, and I guarantee there is nothing wrong with yours. I really suggest voicing your fears to someone, even a nurse or doctor if you don’t feel like you could say it to someone you are having sex with. It makes it so much better once you get it off your chest and get that reassurance that you are normal, not a freak! I also found getting waxes and check ups helped because, of course, nobody ever shied away in disgust as I feared they might. They see a myriad of vulvas everyday and they all look different.

      Hope you read this, and that it serves as some help for you to know you are not alone! The porn industry alongside all the female body shaming that happens makes us all feel like freaks for having imperfections, but we certainly are not! We owe it to ourselves to try and push past the negativity that we have subconsciously learned so that we can actually spend our time thinking about the important things, rather than worrying about our perfectly functional bodies. 🙂

    • Sophie

      From an early age I had this hang up. I used to look at magazines of women in bikinis (obviously photoshopped but what did teenage me know?) and pornographic images and think….how Is it so tidy? What’s wrong with mine? I was ashamed.
      I started wearing shorts on the beach because i was embarrassed. I actually did a lot of research on how much it might cost for me to have surgery performed and was trying to save up for when i was older.
      I didn’t have any sexual encounters until I was 21 and this was the reason. I didn’t share my anxiety with my partner because i didn’t want to draw attention to it. And oral sex? I had never felt so uncomfortable and there was no way I would orgasm.
      Something that helped me slightly when I was finding this website http://www.sexylabia.com
      I even discussed it with my friends eventually when i was in my late teens.
      Slowly over time i became less self conscious because no guy ever said anything but I still wouldn’t have been comfortable with a guy looking at me down there for long.
      I’ve finally gotten to a point where I’ve become comfortable with it. I realised that maybe some people have neat little vulvas, some have big labia, some have one longer than the other, some hang out….but none are unattractive. If somebody wants to be intimate with you then they’re going to love what it looks like.
      I recently had sex with a guy who asked me to open my legs whilst sitting at my feet. I did and I said i felt exposed. He said “you are” then he said “you have a beautiful vagina”. It made me laugh a little as nobody has ever said that. But also it made me smile because i realised i was able to accept the compliment. It makes me sad to think that from such a young age i was worrying so much about it.
      Now I’m sleeping with someone I’m so comfortable with I don’t even think about it….and the sex is mind blowing.
      Take a look at that website and read the intro paragraphs.
      You’re definitely not alone there and you will be able to accept your vulva for the unique and beautiful shape it Is. I hope you find the confidence to let go of those concerns and start having the best sex of your life!

    • Kim Harris

      I have this hang up to. And to be honest I haven’t yet gotten over it fully. I think what is helping is my latest partner actually said he preferred larger Labia, but encouraged me to masterbate and get to love the way I am myself. I’m not there yet completely but definitely on the way. Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone in the way you feel. I hope you learn to love yours as well !

      • Lea

        So here’s the thing…The tight all tucked in labia is what you see in porn because back in the days, porn magazine would be labeled as hard core if you could see the inner labia. So the style of vulva that started being the “norm” was the one that was “tidy”. And then from there, we are now made to believe this is what is “normal”. This is all BS, clearly. Same as looking at women’s magazine and thinking your legs should be longer and thinner, you should have a thigh gap, etc. DON’T LET IT GET AT YOU! Much love.

    • Wanda

      I have that, too, and I love it! I suspect the extra surface area makes it all more sensitive. Lean into your body, sister!

    • Janes

      I was also self conscious about my labia for a long time. They are uneven and I find one to be “large”. It really helped me to see pictures of different labia and realize that large, small and all different shapes are completely normal! I was also open about it with my partner and he constantly assured me that he finds my vulva sexy which has helped me to be more relaxed during sex.

    • Adea

      Go have a look at the vulva gallery on instagram 🙂 it ‘s beautiful and it helped me a lot to see that ‘normal’ doesn’t really exist and that everyone is unique and that we should be good to our bodies instead of being ashamed of it 🙂

    • Karen

      Sofia – I’m with you! I have the exact same thing (as – do many other women, judging by the comments). And I do hope you read each and every one of them, cause there are some DARN good, true points made and great advice given in so many of them. I’m not going to repeat what others have said better, but do want to mention this: I seriously considered having a labia reduction, and now I am SO glad I didn’t. I have come to realize that they actually make a significant contribution to my sexual sensitivity and pleasure. Without them, I do believe I would get less easily and quickly aroused. And I can also confirm that they didn’t seem to bother a single one of my lovers, To the contrary. There was even one who said nothing turned him on so much as “sucking on my wings” (and it sure did a damn good job of turning me on too!)

  46. Anna

    I have been trying to communicate this information to my partner for the 6 years that we’ve been together. Unfortunately, every attempt to communicate what is required to fulfill my sexual needs has been met with his response that to request such a thing is a calculated personal attack on his masculinity. The worst fights I have ever had in a relationship. After 6 years of desperate pleas to give me a little pleasure from our sex life too, i have no interest in entering into a sexual encounter with him. I avoid them with every possible excuse and when I’m arroused I take care of it myself. Surely, all those women who lose interest in sex in their marriage are suffering the same fate as me. It’s not that we are not sexual creatures or have no sexual appetite, it’s that unfortunately we are all stuck with husbands who couldn’t give a shit about their wives sexual pleasure. I mean my husband legit thinks that the foreplay required for pleasureable sex is get his dick hard and that’s all there is to it, aggresively shits me down when I ask for what I want and then still can’t understand why he’s never given me an orgasm… Perhaps If I present him with the work of a male scientist in such a well presented format he might finally wake up!

    • J

      Anna,
      Get you a dude who gives a shit about your happiness. Bad sex with someone who is inexperienced or otherwise genuinely trying is one thing, but a dude who just won’t do it — that’s not about doin sex badly, that’s him not caring about YOU.

    • anne

      Wow this sounds like some abusive behavior. I hope that the rest of the relationship is good for you. Sending support and hoping you get to a more fulfilling sex life (and a partner that cares about your experience!).

      <3

  47. Rose Patel

    This thread is great, I love that so many articulate points and tidbits are being shared here and that everyone seems to be staying on topic which is so rare for online discussion. I’ve found some of the information here really interesting and helpful and I think it’s fascinating that there is so little formal research done on this aspect of life that culture is pretty obsessed with. There are so many myths and I just thought I’d throw my two cents in on one: Female ejaculation.

    I’ve never orgasmed with a partner, but I masterbate semi-regularly and I ejaculate a substantial amount of fluid every time, even if I’m having several orgasms in one sitting each time there will be a clear fluid. It’s sort of annoying because it gets everywhere, and because in the scientific community there’s almost no research.
    A lot of respected institutions think it’s a myth or a trick. They’ve even made it illegal in censorship act for pornography in the UK as something that’s more obscene than what’s usually included in pornography. My everyday orgasm is too outrageous for the internet, and it’s not that I’m mad to start a life in pornography but it just seems like legally it’s not acknowledged as a normal bodily function that’s a part of ‘conventional sex’.

    For me ejaculation was something which happened once all of a sudden when I was about two years into the habit of masturbating at twenty and has happened everytime since the first. I don’t know what that means and no university is looking into it. The first study done just checked to see if it was pee and their results were really unsatisfying and unclear. There’s no statistics on whether all women have the potential to ejaculate or whether it’s a sign of something more serious going on in some cases. There’s no known correlation between ejaculation and ANYTHING else ‘unconventional’ and they’re not looking for one. Much like the female orgasm without ejaculation, there is little to no serious investigation into what it can tell us about a person’s health or well being. This website, it seems to me, is a good starting look into that.

    If any one knows how I can STOP ejaculating, because it’s really inconvenient and mysterious and therefore sort of disconcerting, I’d love some advice.

    Thank you for reading.

    • Laura

      Hi Rose,
      This also happens to me. You’re definitely not alone. For me, it seems to only happen with a certain amount of G-spot stimulation, and it’s a different sort of feeling than the orgasms I have with clitoral stimulation. It’s been frustrating to try to describe that I have “different kinds” of orgasms? I don’t even really know how to talk about it. For what it’s worth, most of the time I do ejaculate, I’m with a partner (it almost never happens when I’m on my own), and none of them has ever said anything negative about it. In fact, if they mention it at all, it’s very positive. It doesn’t happen with every partner, and definitely not every time I have sex, but when it has, it’s never been a problem for me. Men or women, they’ve all seemed to find it hot that there’s such an obvious cue that I’m enjoying the experience. And, one of my female partners also ejaculated, which I found really hot in the moment as well.
      In short, you’re definitely not alone. It’s super frustrating not even to know how to talk about this, and to find almost no actual information on it, but I wouldn’t look on it so much as a “problem” that needs to go away.

      • Me

        About female ejaculation: there are also porn videos with the so called “squirting”. For long years I wanted to be able to feel this and somewhere between 30-40 years of age I did it, and it feels great. It doesn’t happen every time when I have sex, I really need to be very aroused, but when it happens it’s a great feeling. I need to be with a man and mostly need both his hands and his penis to get so aroused. It’s something normal – why not enjoy it?

    • Stephanie

      Hi,
      I hear you when you say it goes all over the place. I hear you can get special mattress protectors designed for the purpose and sexy blankets that will stop the wetness getting everywhere.
      A lot of women once they accept that ejaculating is possible are trying to get it to happen more often. It’s the ultimate letting go. It’s definitely related to the g spot and it’s only happened for me three times. It feels like turning as fluid as the ocean. I can imagine every time may be a bit much. Silly question, do you drink a lot of water? The liquid has to come from somewhere unless it really is as mystical as people make out!
      Xxx

    • Natalie

      Rose,

      I never used to ejaculate and then for a period after and giving birth to my first son I would ejaculate every time. Gradually this went away, then during my last trimester with my second son, I started ejaculating again. I’m now in the post partum period and don’t feel like having sex at all, and if I did, I would hurt, but I am anticipating that I might start ejaculating again. I’m thinking that ejaculation might have to do with the strength of certain pelvic floor muscles and wether or not they ‘fire’ during orgasim. So, perhaps doing some work with a pelvic floor physical therapist might help you ejaculate less? Entirely speculation here, but I do know that there are high levels of relaxin during and just after pregnancy so maybe this is why I squirt during and after pregnncy, but not other times.

    • S

      I didn’t orgasm at all until I was 37, and that was during masturbation. Shortly after, I experienced female ejaculation for the first time and it really freaked me out. Then I found some info online about it (not much… it really doesn’t get talked about much). Now it’s my favorite kind of orgasm. Only recently have I ever experienced it with a partner, but I’m not with an amazing man who spends a lot of time learning how to get me there and enjoys foreplay, afterplay, and everything in between! I’ve experienced female ejaculation with him several times and I agree that it can be inconvenient because of the mess, but I wouldn’t avoid it or wish it away for anything. If you enjoy it, don’t let it stop you!

  48. Kat

    My biggest problem that I have felt so insecure about for years is not having a desire for sex… I’ll get random bursts of NEEDING it and WANTING it so bad, then after I could go a long time without it. I feel even worse when i know my partner wants sex (what feels to me like all the damn time!) And i just don’t… and it aucks because in my head I beat myself up about it… that I love my partner and should have desire for him… but physically I don’t get ready for it, and mentally I almost reeled annoyed just being touched sometimes. It also sometimes is uncomfortable and sore feeling to have sex, which also makes me not want to. It makes me feel very insecure and I wish I was like every other woman that seemingly loves and enjoys sex with their partner frequently. I want it to chnage but I can’t seem to just will myself to do it, and often times find myself forcing myself to have sex when I don’t want to because I feel lolled I’m withholding sex from my partner. Anybody have advice? I’ve been to the OBGY and they say everything looks great, I’ve always vern disease free, I’ve tried using lubes and feel like when I am really turned on my body does just fine making it’s own. So idk what to do because I feel so lost not having libido. I’m only 27. ?

    • MM

      Read ‘Untrue’ by Wednesday Martin. That will explain a lot. Women have a hard time getting aroused by the same partner year after year. Martin explains the biological reasons for this.

    • Kim

      Your comment about libido really resonated with me. It’s too easy to let other people’s expectations of sex become our own expectations. I found myself stuck in a similar loop, where I thought I should be wanting to have sex more often because my partners wanted it, and being frustrated at finding out I wasn’t that into it. And this would make me want it less, and it would make my partners want it more. I’m starting to learn to focus on my own desires more, and finding ways to communicate them more clearly. It helps that my current partner is really understanding and puts zero pressure on when or how often we have sex. That makes me want it more, and it’s awesome. I guess what I’m saying, is make sure you put yourself first! I think it’s it’s normal to have a constantly changing libido and it’s important for you and other people to accept that and love it. Hang in there!

    • Rhiannon

      Hi Kat –
      I feel this so much. I feel so bad for my husband sometimes, because I feel like I’m denying him, but he tells me that he’s a very patient man, and when we do have sex, it’s spectacular.
      But.
      That does not negate the fact that I dont have much of a libido – I have been in and out of the hospital for the last six years, and I’m stressed and tired all the time, plus clinical depression doesn’t leave much room for feeling playful.
      Have you thought about going to therapy? It might be a mental block, or you may be suffering from an undiagnosed chemical imbalance?
      Therapy is not a swearword.
      If I had the money to do so, I would be attending regularly, because there’s a lot that goes on in my head, such as having difficulty summoning feelings of love from time to time, especially for males – even for my husband and son. I was molested as a child, you see, which certainly doesn’t help my complex feelings towards my sexuality. I really am a Puritan in public and sex fiend in the sheets as a direct result.
      Anyway, just know that there are numerous women out there that have a complexedly strained relationship with sex and sexuality – it’s just more difficult for us to talk about, because all we ever hear about are the happy women with fulfilling and active sex lives.
      Much love, sweetie.

    • Caitlin

      Hi Kat,
      I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having a low sex drive! It is possible that you may be grey-asexual. The term covers a spectrum of sexual identities which fall somewhere between sexual and asexual, such as a person who only feels attraction or sexual urges sometimes, or a person who does feel attraction or sexual urges but has a very low sex drive, or someone who only feels attraction or sexual urges in very specific and limited situations. You might want to look up more information about grey-asexuality and see if it feels like you fit.
      https://www.glaad.org/amp/ace-guide-finding-your-community
      http://wiki.asexuality.org/Gray-A/Grey-A

    • Anna

      Kat, my friend studied sexology and she told me something that I found so enlightening. She said that (generally speaking) the longer women go without sex, the less they desire it. But the longer men go without it, the more they desire it. It’s why often women in long term relationships can become very okay with never having sex, but that rarely happens for men. As women, we need consistent emotional and physical intimacy to keep our sex drive alive. If yours feels like it is waning, introduce small sexy gestures gradually again, like a butt squeeze or little neck kisses etc. I’m 29 and I can never ever feel turned on if I don’t feel emotionally connected to my partner. I also barely ever initiate sex because I don’t feel turned on until my partner spends a lot of time exploring my body. Every woman’s sex drive is different. A girlfriend of mine says that she has to have sex everyday or she will go mad, but I can go for much longer without it. Also, some medications can dampen sex drive. I’m on anti-depressants and I know that they can definitely have an effect.
      Anyway- just some thoughts ?

    • J

      Kat, this was my experience during the last couple years I was with my ex-fiance. I had no interest in any kind of sexual intimacy. It was very frustrating for both of us, obviously for him because he wasn’t receiving an important
      part of what he needed and wanted out of our relationship and for me because I couldn’t provide what he needed. I would just “suck it up” at times but he knew when I wasn’t enjoying it no matter how much I tried to fake it and that wasn’t enjoyable for him either. He began to feel insecure that I didn’t desire him even though I repeatedly told him that it wasn’t HIM. I had completely lost my libido and I became depressed it because I’ve always been a very sexual person and I felt I lost such an important part of myself and my life. I did a ridiculous amount of research on how to get it back, what might be causing it, different medications, visualizing myself with other men I found attractive. I even considered a sex therapist. I ended up leaving him for different reasons. It wasn’t until a year after we broke up that I had sex with a new partner and Holy Sh*t! It was incredible. And sex has been amazing with other partners ever since. Turns out I hadn’t lost my libido, it was my intuition responding to a situation I didn’t want to be in. I was confused at the time because I loved him, or at least I thought I did. I’m not saying this is your situation but I figured I’d share my experience as food for thought.

      • Trudy

        I know exactly what you’re talking about. Years into a relationship and something was wrong, never had the urge for sex, it was a chore. Could have saved myself more years in the relationship had I listened to my body.

    • Renee

      I have the same issue, I’m 24 and I am perfectly content having sex once a month or less to be honest, but I try to have it more often for my boyfriends sake. He has a high sex drive and I think his feelings are hurt when I turn him down for sex. Sometimes I start and immediately regret it, it’s uncomfortable and hurts and I just want to cry, even with a lot of foreplay, and even if I literally tease myself to almost organizing. Of course he’s always understanding when we stop. Try looking into vaginismus and pelvic inflamitory disease, maybe this could be contributing? It could also be psychological, either from previous sexual trauma, or just from feelings of anxiousness and not being able to relax which could tense up your muscles. I’m hoping to find a solution one day, best of luck to you!

    • Elisa

      I’m in that exact same boat with you Kat. I actually breathed a sigh of relief reading your message seeing that it’s not just me. I love my husband too and I want to be able to please him and have sex more often but I feel that soreness too. When we do manage to have sex I feel like a kid cuz it hurts and I feel like he’s too big for me when he used to fit just fine. Sometimes I just try to bear through it but it hurts pretty bad when I do that. This started right around when I was 26-27 and now I’m 29 and still dealing with it. We tried lubes too and very rarely works. Most of the time I hope and pray that he isn’t in the mood because I know I’m not in the mood. And even when I go get in the mood I don’t try to initiate anything because I know I probably won’t be able to finish it. I’ll start hurting and want to stop. Then I end up feeling like a bad partner and upset or crying and he feels like he has to try and make me feel better but nothing really does and then we end up just being upset all night. It sucks.

      • S

        Hi Elisa,
        I am very familiar with your story and there is hope! Have a look at Vulvar pain (Vulvodynia) and try to get a test by a specialist if the symptoms match. After a few months of treatment and trying different positions with my husband I managed to have pain-free sex. I felt that after a few pain free sessions my libido slowly started to build up. Also, there are specialists that work with the muscles of your pelvis to soften them up or you can try a new tech device like Elvie. I suffered for years pain and misery, but now it’s been a few years that I have been pain free almost every time I have sex. Its possible! Good luck!

    • M

      Hey Kat,
      I was reading thru the many comments here and had to reply. Bear with me here, this is kinda long-ish.

      I first became sexually aware around age 12. I started masturbating but really had no idea what I was doing. My mom “caught” me a few times and would interrogate me whenever it happened. When I got my period for the first time and she was showing me how to use a tampon, she literally recoiled at the sight of my lips and told me that they looked like “grandma lips” and that no man would ever want that. So…you can imagine that, while I had a desire for the pleasure I was feeling, I rather started out on the wrong foot emotionally when it came to sex. But i got older and had friends who I was close enough with to talk about these things and that helped a little. So when i was 17, i told my boyfriend at the time that i was ready to have sex (penetration, cause we had already done some oral…mostly me sucking him off). And I’m excited, nervous, and not sure what to expect. You can imagine my shock when he couldn’t even get inside me for quite a while and, when he finally did, I felt…nothing. I mean, the pressure of skin on skin, yes, but nothing at all pleasurable. I chalked it up to first time issues. But it just kept happening, partner after partner. And I realized a few years into college that I didnt even really want sex. No sex drive -at all-.

      I guess I figured my body just wasnt capable of pleasure that way. I therefore decided I would have sex but derive my pleasure from giving a guy pleasure. Yep, you can imagine how that went. I’m in my twenties, no desire to have sex but doing it anyway and becoming very resentful.

      Fast forward to today. I’m in my early forties and _nothing_ has changed. I really thought I was cursed until I read a few articles here and there, but even then I thought I was just an unlucky rarity. Reading through the comments people are leaving here, comments like yours, gives me hope that at least I’m not alone, I’m not weird, this “not feeling” feeling and the complete lack of sexual desire are plaguing others too…. I’m hoping I’ll figure it out one day soon? My husband wants to have sex at least once a day and I give in because I love him, but it’s only ever about him. Like me, he’s just given into the idea that I have no sex drive and could live the rest of my life, comfortable and happy without sex and super-semi-occasional masturbation.

      I guess what my long-winded life story is trying to say (TLDR) is dont give up. There are others like you, like me, out there. If you figure it out, though, drop a comment somewhere, anywhere…you never know who’s reading.

      • Vanna

        I’m getting almost emotional and teary eyed reading all of these comments about women with no sex drive. I always thought I was the only one and that there was something “wrong” with me or my body. I could go the rest of my life without sex and be 100% okay, but I know that would not be okay for my husband. Like most men, he always is in the mood for sex, but he’s learned to never initiate it or talk about it because every time we try I end up stopping us because I’m in so much pain or so frustrated that my body isn’t responding the way I want it to. We have gone as long as 18 months without even trying to have sex. I know it’s starting to destroy my marriage, but I’m not sure what else to try – I’ve been to multiple doctors, tried lube, different positions, masturbation, etc. Thankfully my husband is super patient and never makes me feel badly about it, but it bothers ME and I feel badly about it constantly. I’m always beating myself up about it every damn day which of course doesn’t help me relax at all…
        It’s such a relief to know that I’m not alone! Thes

        • Robin

          Lots of these comments resonate, but this one in particular describes me to a tee. Vanna, I’m in the exact same boat. After 10 years together and so many attempts that went terribly because my body wouldn’t respond at all and I wasn’t enjoying it, we don’t really even try anymore. My partner is incredibly patient and never makes me feel bad about it, but it’s constantly on my mind. Physical pleasure is important, and I’m so afraid that this will start to eat away at an otherwise-amazing relationship. I think I need to spend time alone trying to sort out what works for me, but it’s so frustrating to fail at finding it over and over (plus the fact that I don’t really crave it…). The fact that there are others like this gives me so much hope. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to eventually get to a point where I can enjoy and look forward to sex, but at least I know I’m not totally weird and alone.

      • Alena

        Hey M,

        your story is the story of my life! I’m 24 and already loosing hope that the things will ever change for me.
        I grew up in rural part of Russia where society’s understanding of sexuality is very uptight. I became aware of sexuality at the age of 12 and secretly started to watch these films for adults until I’ve been caught by my parents and shamed in front of the whole family.
        I’ve been also kind of deterred by sex because of some church-related anti-abortion propaganda videos I was offered to watch with the images of dissected fetuses and horrors of teenage pregnancies.
        I mean these things about pregnancy are really important to know but only bombarding myself with this horrific pictures combined with the strong devaluation of masturbation and stainig of self-determined dealing with my own sexuality in my surroundings – at least having only bad information about sex and denying it beatiful side were the way too much.

        Partners after partners I suffered from this problem of badly wanting sexual desire and not having it until I met my current boyfriend, whom I finaly managed to tell the truth and he told me that he loves me as I am. That ment a big relief for me but still… I keep feeling abandoned in that issue.
        One day my partner showed me the first season of OMGyes. I was really excited and as we clicked through all of these articels I started to cry because I saw women pushing on different spots of their body and feeling pleasure but nowhere were women who did’t feel much or even sore like me.

        Some post here was about the awareness of a asexuality or grey-asexuality. I thought asexuality was about folks who don’t have any libido but even don’t feel bad about this. For me it’s not only about not providing something to my partner it’s about the expierience I badly desire to make for my own life.

        Is anybody out there in the world managed to deal with this?

      • Bec

        Responding to both Kat and M,

        This is just my own opinion of course, me being someone who has made people studying something of a life long hobby, but, I wonder if the two of you (and others in similar situations here) are suffering from long term stress. I know that sounds too simple to be true, but, IMO, its possible.

        When we are particularly stressed, our sex drive will shut down to some degree, or even totally. Then it may take a lot to get the body aroused, or maybe nothing will work. As far as the instinctive mind that governs sex is concerned, if we are that stressed we must have more important things to be doing (like looking out for tigers, gathering food, ect). This would also explain why some might experience “bursts” of sexual want, as for most sexuality is a drive, like hunger, that builds over time unless switched off. After a time, if the mind thinks it is safe enough, that drive pressure may bubble up, then shut down again after.

        People who live with a particular mental state for a long time can easily become/be blind to the fact that state exists in them. For example, I know two people who have extremely bad anxiety to the point that they can trigger my anxiety but, because they both have had it since childhood, they don’t see that they have it, despite showing it constantly in their tone, body language, habits, ect. It’s just normal life for them. If a stressed state started in childhood then it may be, like my friends anxiety, something you have normalised. What made me think stress in particular with you two was Kat’s comment about sometimes not wanting to be touched at all, which put me in mind of stress induced over-stimulation where the mind becomes too sensitive in a bad/painful/uncomfortable way, or stress induced (for lack of a better term) primal defensiveness where space is needed to feel comfortable. And, M’s comment about her mothers horrible comment about how her sex looks, which, while limited information to go on, sounds like it came from a home environment very conductive to a lot of persistent stress.

        If this is the case, my advise would be to look to the rest of your life away from sex. What things can be done, or should be stopped, to ease stress, to vent, unwind, or to relax (or all of the above). This may help (though again, this is just my thoughts on the matter).

        (Just to add, stress is likely not the only factor, but I do know stress will kill the sex drive if it is too bad, and since I haven’t seen it mentioned yet (though admittedly I did skim as I am a slow reader), I thought I should bring it up.)

    • Morgane

      This could be correlated with the different times of your cycles. I crave sex when I ovulate, and for the week before my period it’s often difficult to get aroused. You could try tracking your cycles to get a clearer picture 🙂 it’s helped me a lot finding sense in my sensations and feeling less guilt like yours.

  49. Susan

    It’s so refreshing to read these comments and to relate to them so closely. When I was fairly young, perhaps 17 or 18 I went for a smear test, and after the test, the nurse commented on the ‘amount of skin I had down there’!. How horrendous is that? It’s bad enough getting naked and having a smear test, but then for the nurse to pass judgement on what I looked like was awful. I had that thought in my head for a long long time, that I was different and that I had a lot of skin down there. It made me very self conscious. Then one day I saw a piece of art in Brighton, it is moulds or plaster casts of many many different womens’ vaginas, lined up as a piece of art, there must be at least 16 different casts of real vaginas displayed. I know they are real, because a couple of my friends sat for them i.e. had a mould done of their vagina, to create a cast of for the art work. All at once I realised that I was neither the biggest, nor the smallest, of any of the features of the vaginas, the lips, the skin, the clit, it was a great relief to see that they come in absolutely all shapes and sizes and therefore I had nothing to worry about, about ‘having a lot of skin down there.’

  50. Rachel Farina

    All the men I’ve been with love that I have large labia and lips. More to suck one. One even took a picture. I was never self-conscious because I didn’t watch porn, thank god.

    Any guy with a sex drive is sooooooo not picky about these things. They’re so happy to just put it in. But honestly — they love love love larger labia/

  51. Christy

    I also hope this website and the researchers continue to look into female orgasms of all kinds, as well as body image, and desire. I have experienced all of the above and can relate to the majority of comments. I have had numerous types of orgasms – clitoral, vaginal, G-Spot (squirting). I also have large labia and when I was younger used to feel self-conscious about it. I don’t anymore and understand that what a man really wants and thrives on is if you feel sexy and good about yourself and how you look. Desire is also an interesting topic. I had always had insatiable desire and then after children, it waned and I also felt like I was having sex with my husband even when I didn’t want to, in order to please him. The desire never fully went away, but it decreased significantly from what we were used to and it really affected our marriage. I also had no reason not to desire him. He was the best lover I ever had and helped me discover new orgasms (besides clitoral) as well as helped me feel confident about my body and sexuality. He was very open. Now, I am a widow and I’m in my early 40’s. I am scared that I won’t find someone as great as him in bed. However, one interesting thing that has happened that I truly did not expect (and some people would not understand) is that my desire has returned in full force to be with a man. It is so intense that I now notice every man all the time and feel fire throughout my entire body. I very much want to be with a man and feel desired and pleasure. So, I look forward to continuing to read about the female orgasm and how we can continue to normalize this subject and educate men and women. There is really nothing greater than when you have a very satisfying sex life.

    • Natalie

      After my first son was born, penetration was extremely painful for at least 6 months after. Everything was completely healed, but it felt like my husband simply didn’t fit anymore. I read somewhere on the internet that your muscles simply forgot how to relax during sex and that the only remedy was simple to keep trying. So from about 6 weeks to 6 ish months postpartum I suffered through sex. Eventually, it did get better. Now I just had my second child and have an inflamed pubic synthesis (from hauling and running after my preschooler too soon after birth) which prompted me to see a physical therapist. As part of the physical therapy, she checks out and massages my scar tissue from my tear. There is one spot on the lower right side of my labia (not on the tear site) that is extremely painful to slight pressure. She says this is not unusual and now has me working on massaging techniques and physical excersizes to help the muscles relax and start behaving normally again. I’m hoping that the road to sexual recovery this time won’t be so long! I think perhaps a lot of issues surrounding sexuality in the post partum and nursing periods are unexplored and not talked about. I think I could be interested in sex if it was approached by my husband with more emotional support during this period. It is such a tough time because I want the emotional support and closeness that sex can bring, but I have almost no sex drive and I think my husband has given up on sex as a possibility because I don’t respond the same way to his advances. But, I think that sex postpartum might not be such a lost cause as the internet and my own experience seems to suggest. I’m wondering how much of it is simply that women need sex done in a different way during this time.

      Also, I think making physical pelvic floor therapy standard post birth seems like a no brainier for all women. I mean, when we have all sorts of other operations it is pretty standard to prescribe a physical therapists to help recover physically. It is standard practice in the US to spend a few days in a hospital and then send you home to recover on your own. It seems like the road to recovery could be a lot faster with a little guidance. Also, this might help some women not overdo it physically too soon, before they are fully recovered. My mother in law recently confessed to me that she has dealt with incontinence since giving birth to my husband because she was too physically active before she was fully recovered from childbirth.

      Anyway Im interested to hear peoples experiences/frustrations etc with sex postpartum.

  52. Laura??

    As a sexual trauma survivor from a patriarchal Misogynistic home, where I was shamed and violated, I can see that it might be a good investment in a way to normalize my own thinking of my body, my pleasure, my sexuality, and regain ownership of my relationship with myself, my perceptions of being female and the visuals of the female body.

  53. Alexandra

    Just want to say after reading your review, that I have never felt more validated and represented in my feelings about my orgasms or lack there of. I identify whole heartedly with what you’ve experienced. I know I enjoy sex thoroughly but have an impossible time verbalizing my needs and many times defer to pleasing my partner due my anxiety in the stress that getting
    off can hold for me.

  54. Really like your review and the way you write. I’ve seen so many extravagant headlines and comments on OMGYES that I never found interest in it. It all just sounded too…hyped. But your text was easy to relate to and a joy to read.

    Right until you wrote “Y’all are not teasing enough, not consistent enough, not any of these things enough. None of you are.” I’m sorry but you lost me as a fan here. I understand that you write from your own percpective but still, writing that no men would teas enough or consistent enough simply isn’t true.

    In the BDSM acene I’ve met and had sex with so many men who overwhelm me everything with how considerate and excellent they are in teasing and in sex. During all my relationships I’ve never felt as pampered or appreciated as I have felt during BDSM sessions.

    I understand that BDSM can sound very frightening and extreme for many. Of course, it can be like Fifty Shades of Grey, or like some of the most extreme stuff seen in porn videos. But it can also be so much more: sensual, consensual, powerful, empowering, and so much more. I’m writing this as a woman who loves sex and has had so many partners that I gave on counting (both male and female). And still even to this day, some men just surprise me with how wonderful they are in and during sex. So please, please stop generalizing.

    • cathyreisenwitz

      I wrote this before joining Organ House. I was also being hyperbolic. As is my way. Turns out there are a lot of men who care to learn how to fuck women. I just hadn’t found them. The community aspect is key.

  55. Bijou

    Just turned 29 and never had one until last year. My best friend (whom I was dating at the time) bought me a vibrator after we had established I never came during sex. It was a cumbersome thing which was too large for me so we abandoned it pretty quickly. We broke up, but one day I asked if he could send it to me (I had moved away) and I decided to play around with it to see what I could discover on my own. And Holy Crap it worked!!
    I have never been more proud of anything in my life than the fact that I gave myself my first orgasm, and ever since then I have been trying various ways to pleasure myself. I know women’s pleasure is something people consider a touchy subject (pun intended :*), and I am glad people are taking steps to normalize it. I am looking forward to having a partner with whom I can be myself in every way, including sexually.

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