Well shit, folks. I guess it’s the perfect time to start writing again as the entire Bay Area is on lockdown. Mandatory WFH. Everything is closed except banks, grocery stores, and restaurants (but only for delivery). No leaving our homes for anything non-essential.
As a germophobic introvert who WFH happily my first year in SF, I’m ready. I’ve got my sit/stand desk with a foot pad and Clockwise reimbursed me $100 for a new chair (we’re hiring!) Today I did a ton of work, lifted weights, cleaned my apartment, and talked to three friends on the phone.
A lot happened since we last checked in. I fell in love. He moved to Medellin, Colombia. I visited him there. I saw what’s left of Pablo Escobar’s prison/resort, the rooftop where the DEA shot him, and the memorial to his victims. I also learned how cheap, high-quality, and readily available escorts and cocaine are there. Everything is cheap. The food is amazing. The weather is always warm but not sticky. Truly a wonderful city and I definitely understand better why he’s planning to spend a good bit of time there.
The first part of the trip was tough for me, emotionally. I felt rejected by him, and he didn’t understand why. But as we went along I started to remember why I fell in love with him. The way he cares about the world. His chivalrous feminism. His wit and sense of humor. His self-awareness. And I remembered the way he loves me. I can see his respect and admiration for me in the way he asks me for my advice and really listens to what I say. We’re not going to be together in the way I want to be with someone. He’s never going to be my life partner. But what we have is a friendship that’s beautiful and wonderful. And I left grateful for it.
And I got to come back to someone I’m newly in love with.
I cried when my therapist pressed me about why it was so difficult for me when my friend brought up playing with another couple at a sex party. The truth, I realized, was that I feel like I’m offering the men I love the chance to know me and be known by me. Knowing anyone takes time. It takes intention. It takes energy. And these things are finite. And again and again men are more interested in shallow relationships with many people than in knowing me deeply.
I cried when my friend described falling in love with his life partner. Because I don’t know that I’ll ever have that again.
I feel sad that no one new who I’ve wanted to know deeply in more than a year has reciprocated. But, it be like that sometimes. And I’ve had a lot of love anyway.
Here’s some of what I’ve been reading about Coronavirus:
Basically, we need tests for the virus and temperature taking in all public spaces and quarantine for people with fevers or positive tests. Social isolation is probably good, but it’s not going to be enough. Our hospitals are going to get overwhelmed because of government fuckery and it makes me really angry. We have the worst of all worlds in the US: Eroding civil liberties; bloated, sclerotic bureaucracies; and a captured economy. We’ve created the worst of all worlds. We have all the worst parts of live-and-let-die libertarianism without any of the speed or efficiency of a strong, central authoritarian state.
Now that I’m stuck at home for a while I’ll work on keeping you updated. Love you, my babies. <3