I have three things I focus on with my coaching.
2. Not judging
3. Mindfulness meditation
What I think makes me a potentially good coach isn’t what I say. It’s what I ask.
Most people don’t have anyone in their lives they can talk to about sex.
And even fewer people have someone who will really listen to them work out their issues.
I ask probing questions that will get you thinking critically about the problem beneath the problem.
Guilt is when you feel bad about what you’ve done. Shame is when you feel bad about who you are. I believe shame is one of the most corrosive emotions, particularly because people are often unaware of how much shame they’re carrying. People are taught from a young age to be ashamed of their sexual thoughts and feelings, and that training erodes our ability to fully embrace and enjoy sex. It also stops people from feeling comfortable talking about sex with people they know. Even people who are having sex feel extremely uncomfortable discussing it.
I believe that believing that sex is fundamentally morally neutral is the best weapon against sexual shame and stigma.
Ultimately I want to teach everyone who comes to me that thinking and feeling in and of itself isn’t wrong. That having urges isn’t wrong.
So when I listen, I do so without judgment. In this way I demonstrate what I believe is the way to view sex that leads to the most fulfilling, exciting, shame-free sex.
I’m a solutions-focused coach. That means that we’re not going to spend our entire time together focusing on your problems. I want to get to potential solutions within the first session.
I’m going to suggest you do exercises. These assignments are cribbed from practices such as mindfulness meditation and positive psychology. I’m a huge pop psychology nerd, so the tasks I give you will have been empirically demonstrated to benefit the people who do them.
In the end, results aren’t guaranteed. Most people will need to try a variety of approaches to fully reset their minds and hearts. I recommend sticking with the coaching for at least a few months, but I aim to provide useful insights and exercises within the first session.