I’ve also been avoiding this blog. Work is really taking it out of me. In the best way, most of the time. I still struggled over the past two weeks or so with feeling like a failure. I felt like my ideas weren’t good enough and I wasn’t working hard enough and prioritizing correctly and I wasn’t getting the kind of traction I should be. I did enjoy writing this.
Today felt different. I started researching the so-called “Passion Economy” for a blog post. Which led me to the Passion Economy podcast. As I listened to it, I got emotional. I felt excited, and kind of tingly. I wanted to know more so badly. I wanted to make knowing more about how automation is going to transform work my life’s work. Or at least the next few years.
This is the natural progression of my minor obsession with out-of-work young native-born men, which is connected to declining marriage rates (especially among lower-income native-born Americans), which is connected to the loneliness epidemic which is in part caused by decreasing levels of civic participation among low- economic opportunity towns which is all connected to the rise of the alt-right and other forms of populism.
So that’s exciting. But otherwise my life is pretty boring right now. I come home from work. Maybe go to the gym. And then smoke weed and watch TV. Until it’s time for bed. Most nights. Tonight I mixed it up and read a little bit of The Technology Trap, which someone sent me but I can’t for the life of me remember who it was. This was a problem before I started smoking, I’ll have you know.
But yeah. I’m not really dating. I’m not going to pretend to not have A LOT OF FEELINGS about sex and relationships and myself. I’m still me. But I am taking a break, which I think is definitely the thing to do which is less pro-active than going to therapy but more pro-active than doing the same thing over again and expecting different results. It’s a compromise.
I think if I were in therapy and my therapist were competent they’d tell me I need to work on self-acceptance. It’s a choice, at some point, whether to listen to the voice telling me I’m doing a bad job and I’m a bad friend and everyone hates me or to pat myself on the back for something I did right.
I’m not good at that. And I think a lot of my relationship strife has been about the fact that no one could ever approve of me enough. Because what I really always needed was my own approval. It’s hard for me to show myself compassion. It’s hard to avoid identifying with the worst interpretation of my worst behavior. Maybe it’s hard for everyone. It’s hard for me. But I can get better at it. I have.
Even writing this blog is hard sometimes. I sometimes think I have nothing of value to add. That I need to do more research and write something that informs people instead of just blathering about my feelings. That I’m being self-indulgent and un- self-aware.
But other times, more hopeful, less anxious times, I’m just so grateful to have anyone to feel self-conscious in front of. I can’t believe anyone cares enough to read this thing. And some people have even told me my writing has helped them.
So anyway, thank you. And, if you decide to follow along, expect more future of work stuff in here. Kisses.